It Starts with a Kiss

It Starts with a Kiss by Fabienne Swartz

{2:57 minutes to read} I love coaching because it exposes me to so many excellent people, both as my clients and as my colleagues. In fact, it was when I was speaking with a colleague that she introduced what I thought was a simple way to improve people’s married lives. It’s about the couple kissing passionately every day — and not a peck on the lips, but an intense kiss for at least 30 seconds. In other words, a “French” kiss (full disclosure: I am from Belgium and we just call them kisses).

And then the idea is that you ask the other person how he or she likes to be kissed. It shouldn’t be just about your satisfaction, it’s about learning how the other person likes to be kissed. When you tend to your spouse’s needs, you’re opening up the relationship and starting a new conversation. It may lead to something else, but it doesn’t have to. It’s just starting to reconnect…but hopefully it will lead to more!

Sharing a deep, passionate kiss doesn’t take very long, but having a truly satisfying love-making session should last (at least!) 30 minutes. This can be a lot harder to pull off on a regular basis, in part because people want to have sex when they want to have sex. The problem is, how often will two people in one relationship be ready for sex at the same time?

Instead of waiting for all the planets to align, which is unlikely to happen at any regular interval, consider having sex for selfless reasons. I’m not talking about acting like some sort of servant for your spouse — in fact, choosing sex gives you power in addition to helping the relationship, because it will benefit you, your husband and your marriage. We all have moods where we’re sort of ambivalent about it…like if you don’t want to hear any spoilers about Game of Thrones at work the next day, but your spouse is looking good and you know you don’t have the energy for both. Choose your spouse! That’s what DVRs are for.

Sex is important to any marriage. There is a very real afterglow that can last for days afterwards, and it’s during this time that partners feel closest to each other. Scientists attribute this to a hormone called oxytocin, which has been getting a lot of attention lately. It’s been called the sex hormone, the feel-good hormone, the wellness hormone — but its true role encompasses all of that and more: Oxytocin is the touching hormone, unique to mammals. It is central in forming a link between newborn babies and their mothers, and it helps us form other types of intimate bonds later in life.

So, one could say that intimacy is so important that it’s coded in our blood and our cells. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say it is what makes us human. You and your spouse are, most likely, also human. So when debating with yourself about whether or not you are in the mood, consider the benefits. It’s good for your marriage, good for your heart, and it will leave you with a natural “high” that is as benign as it is enjoyable. 

Fabienne Swartz JD (Belgium) CDFATM
Certified Divorce Financial AnalystTM
500 Mamaroneck Av.
Suite 320
Harrison, NY 10528
(914) 798-6940

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